Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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