Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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