If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize