you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
