seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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