Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
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