I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
