3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
