I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
