fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
