i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
