i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
