lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize