Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
