So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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