How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
