Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
