I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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