I wanna bring you to show and tell
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize