My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
