y did u give ur computer a hand job?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Randomize
