i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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