I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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