then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
