if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
