it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize