They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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