I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
