Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
