How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
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