apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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