Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
