her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
