was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
