Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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