I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
