Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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