Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
