I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
