it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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