Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
