I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
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