she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
it's like heaven, but drunker
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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