found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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