weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize