Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
