Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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