she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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