does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
