my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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