I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Holy sore nipples Batman
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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