Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize