conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
