mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Randomize
