Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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