Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
