Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
