Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
