if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
