I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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