they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
not ubering you a puppy
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
